Well here are the cancer jokes! I thought they were funny anyway but then I've always had a warped sense of humour so I've been told!
You have been warned though - if these are not your type of humour - this is your LAST CHANCE!
If however, you like these jokes, please email me and let me know. Perhaps you have one or two of your own you'd like to add???
Watch out for the new jokes!
Not Feeling Too Well
Ups and Downs
On The Phone
Top 10 Ways To Know You Are A Cancer Survivor
Praying For A Miracle
After The Operation
A Man Hears He Has Cancer....
The Big C
Baseball In Heaven
Talking About Death
The Lightbulb Joke
Real Doctors Notes
Another Lightbulb Joke
What's The Difference?
Good News and Bad News
Flying To Survive Cancer
A Unique Irish Celebration
A Doctor's Prognosis
Hospital Of The Future
My Own Personal Favourite
I showed up at a Halloween party in a hospital robe with a devil's mask and a friend asked what I was costumed as. I replied, "The patient from hell."
He said, "You're supposed to dress as something you're not."
From: Lisa Gagnon - Thanks Lisa!
Not strictly cancer related but I'm sure you'll appreciate the poem girls! There is a serious message at the end, but you get to laugh on the way there.
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram
"OK," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooters in a vice!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vicelike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does! she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick their balls in there,
And see how they come out!!
Little Johnny wakes up on christmas morning, runs downstairs and is greeted by his parents and hundreds of presents under the tree.
"Oh Wow!" cries Little Johnny as he starts tearing away at all the wrapping paper. Little Johnny is so excited as he opens the presents. He has a brand new BMX, a skateboard, a playstation, a brand new PC, a scooter, a climbing frame - everything a little boy would want.
When he finishes opening all the presents, Little Johnny asks his parents if he can go round to Little Timmy's house to tell him about all the wonderful presents he got.
"Of course you can Little Johnny, off you go, but be back before dinner!"
So off Little Johnny goes, and gets to Little Timmy's house.
"Oh Timmy! This is the best christmas EVER! I got a playstation, a BMX, a new computer - everything i could ever want!!"
"Oh your so lucky", replies Little Timmy, "I wish I had cancer."
A woman with terminal cancer returns to religion with fervor. She knows that God will help her get better.
Early in her sickness, a surgeon proposes radical surgery.
"No", she says, "I don't want to get mutilated and suffer pain. It's not necessary, God will help me".
A while later, she sees a radiologist and he proposes radiation to treat the tumor, which by now is uncomfortably large. "No", she says, "I don't want radiation burns inside and out. It's not necessary. God will help me."
A year later, the cancer has metastasized. It's painful and she is referred to an oncologist. Chemotherapy is advised. "No", she says, "I don't want to be sick all the time and lose my hair as well. It's not necessary. God will help me".
Soon after, she dies. She goes to Heaven and demands an audience with God. "Why didn't you help me?," she whines.
"What do you mean? I sent you help three times: a surgeon, a radiologist and an oncologist. What more did you want?"
A very arrogant oncologist, Dr. Giovanni, dies and goes straight to Hell. On arrival the Devil says, "I'm going to give you three choices, which is more than you ever gave your patients. Whichever door you choose will be how you'll spend eternity."
So the doctor opens the first door and sees a mob of people sitting on a floor covered with spikes. He goes to the next door and sees a humongous crowd of sinners lying down in maggots. At the third door, there is a throng of people chatting happily and drinking coffee, although they are up to their knees in manure.
"Thank God," he exalts, "It smells terrible, but least I could drink coffee and be able to talk to people."
He enters and joins the group. He is about to sip his first coffee when a loudspeaker announces, "Coffee break is over. Back to standing on your heads!"
"You can have a regular grade plastic implant, or a harder one. The latter gives a better erection, but your penis may be hard to tuck away when it's not inflated," said the doctor.
"Well, I don't want to be embarrassed in public, so give me the regular grade."
A few months later he came back to the doctor with a penis all bent out of shape. "My word," said the doctor, "You must have had a rough time!"
"Yes," said the patient, "After a year of no erections, my partner and I were as eager as newlyweds. I think I need the harder implant."
Six months later, he returned with a sorrier looking penis. The doctor exclaims, "Not again! Who is the woman who can do this to you? I've never seen the likes of it."
The doctor was determined to succeed, so he put in a stainless steel implant. A year later, he ran into the man at a party and asked him how the implant was working.
"My love life is fantastic, doc, but I have one problem. I can't get past the metal detector at the airport.
Real Doctors Notes
1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
6. Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
7. The patient refused autopsy.
8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
9. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
10. Patiatient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
11. She is numb from her toes down.
12. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
13. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
14. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
15. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
A. Just one, but it takes a support group to cheer him on, and there's a lot of grieving afterwards.
One asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man."
The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"
Baseball In Heaven
Two old baseball buddies with lung cancer were chatting on a park bench. Paul says, "I hope they have a baseball team in heaven." "Me too", says Jack. "Tell you what", says Paul, "If I die first, I'll give you a message about whether there is baseball in Heaven. If you die first, you can do the same for me." A year later, Paul is dead and Jack is sitting on the park bench when he hears: "Jack, it's me, Paul. I have great news! Guess what. There really is a baseball team in heaven." "Thank God", sighs Jack, "Now I can die in peace." "I'm glad you feel that way," says Paul, "because you're pitching tomorrow!
'"Oh Dear: haven't you heard? Unfortunately he's no longer with us."
"I'm sorry to hear that. If it's not too intrusive, can I enquire what he died of?'"
"The big C got him."
"'Oh my God" he replied, "Cancer is so common nowadays."
"'Ah no it wasn't cancer, he fell overboard the Belfast Liverpool ferry, and drowned in THE BIG SEA".
A Man Hears He Has Cancer
A man hears from his doctor that he has cancer and only has six months to live. The doctor recommends that he marry an accountant and move to Cultra. The man asks, "Will this cure my cancer?" "No," said the doctor, "but the six months will seem much longer!"
After The Operation
A patient visited his urologist for testicular cancer and expressed concern about being able to perform after the operation. The patient was also worried about the chemotherapy. The doctor said "I too had testicular cancer a few years ago. Ten days after the operation I made passionate love with my wife, and forgot all my worries. Try it and see for yourself." Three weeks later the patient returns, and thanks the doctor effusively. The doctor says "I'm glad my advice helped." The patient thanks him again, and as he's leaving says "By the way Doctor, you have a really beautiful house."
Praying For A Miracle
A religious man discovers that he has testicular cancer, and decides to pray for a miracle. The next day he visits a urologist, who tells him he must have surgery immediately. He tells the doctor "I do not want you to remove my testicle, I am praying for a miracle from God". Then he visits a radiologist, who tells him that he must begin radiation therapy immediately. He tells the doctor "I do not want you to expose my body to radiation, I am putting my faith in God." Finally he visits an oncologist, who tells him that he must start chemotherapy immediately. He tells the doctor "I do not want you to inject me with caustic chemicals, God will heal me." A few months later he dies and goes to heaven, where he is very upset and asks God why he didn't give him a miracle. God replies "I gave you three miracles, a urologist, an oncologist and a radiologist, but you chose to ignore them."
Top Ten Ways To Know You Are A Cancer
10 Your alarm clock goes off at 6 a.m. and you're glad to hear it.
9. Your mother-in-law invites you to lunch and you just say NO.
8. You're back in the family rotation to take out the garbage.
7. When you no longer have an urge to choke the person who says, "all you need to beat cancer is the right attitude."
6. When your dental floss runs out and you buy 1000 yards.
5. When you use your toothbrush to brush your teeth and not comb your hair.
4. You have a chance to buy additional life insurance but you buy a new convertible car instead.
3. Your doctor tells you to lose weight and do something about your cholesterol and you actually listen.
2. When your biggest annual celebration is again your birthday, and not the day you were diagnosed.
1. When you use your Visa card more than your hospital parking pass.
Not Feeling Too Well
A man isn't feeling well, so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor examines him, and then asks to speak with his wife. The doctor tells his wife that her husband has cancer. The wife asks "can he be cured?". The doctor replies "there's a chance we can cure him with chemotherapy, but you will need to take care of him every day for the next year - cooking all the meals, cleaning up the vomit, changing the bed pan, driving him to the hospital for daily treatments, and so on".
When the wife comes out to the waiting room, the husband asks her what the doctor said.
The wife answers "he said that you're going to die".
At an orthopaedic meeting how can you spot the academic orthopaedic surgeon?
He's the one who can just get his knuckles off the floor!
What's the difference between a carpenter and an orthopaedic surgeon?
A carpenter knows more than one antibiotic!
How do you hide a twenty pound note from an orthopaedic surgeon?
Put it in a text book!
How do you spot the orthopaedic surgeon's car in the car park?
It's the Porsche with a comic on the back shelf!
What's the difference between a rhinoceros and an orthopaedic surgeon?
One's thick-skinned, small-brained and charges a lot for no very good reason....the other's a rhinoceros.
What do you call two orthopaedic surgeons looking at a chest X-ray?
A double blind study.
The definition of shifting dullness - an orthopaedic ward round.
Why do anaesthetists take an instant dislike to orthopaedic surgeons?
Because it saves time
How do you get an Orthopaedic Surgeon to refer you to some one else?
Ask him the time.
Things Some Orthopaedic Surgeons Sometimes Say
We might not make it better but we can sure make it different.
If you scrub twice as fast, you only have to scrub half as long.
I'd rather be lucky than good.
Nothing spoils a good result as quickly as follow-up.
This is hard enough to do when it's indicated, let alone on a case like this.
I've cut it off twice and it's still too short.
Which hammer do you use for these screws ?
One way to make sure a humerus doesn't heal is to operate on it.
Orthopaedics is the specialty of complications.
Bleeding always stops.
The orthopaedic surgeon - Strong as an ox, and TWICE as bright!
The two ends of a humeral fracture will unite as long as they're located within the same room.
If you've half a mind to do orthopaedics, you're over-qualified.
The modern holistic approach to orthopaedics.....you don't JUST treat the fracture, you treat the whole bone!
An orthopod is someone who can benchpress his own weight and spell cefuroxime.
Pass the micro adjuster nurse!
And finally just on more little tap with the hammer and .......
Just think of the movement at your ankle arthrodesis site as a bonus
Shortening can be an advantage you know, he won't run off now, he'll just circle around
It's only a five minute operation sister
It's much more urgent than any possible general surgical case!
Important guides to life
If it doesn't look right it probably isn't
Don't eat anything bigger than your head
It can always get worse
Speak less and say more
Old age and treachery can always overcome youth and skill
FLYING TO SURVIVE CANCER*
On board a flight to Hawaii, the pilot announced, "That thump you heard was our last engine conking out. I'm really sorry to tell you this, but we are going to crash into the ocean." In the stunned silence that followed, an angry voice spoke out. "Dammit! That stupid doctor of mine! He said I was going to die of cancer." "He lied!"
This friend of mine had felt unwell for months, so he decided to see his doctor. The doctor examined him and referred him to the hospital to see various specialists. After a couple of weeks, all the test results came through, so my friend returned to see his doctor.
"I'm very sorry", said the doctor. "I'm afraid I have bad news and worse
"Tell me the worst."
"I'll be honest, you have cancer, you'll be dead in three months."
"Shit! " said my friend. "What on earth is the bad news?"
"You also have Alzheimer's Disease."
"Alzheimer's? Oh well, at least I don't have cancer."
A lady with bone cancer had trouble getting to sleep at night because of the pain. To make matters worse, her tomcat's yowling would wake her up just as she fell asleep. "I don't need this," she raged. She had the tomcat neutered. A few months later she found an ancient lantern up in her attic. Just for kicks, she rubbed it. Immediately a giant genie appeared and offered her three wishes. First, she wished to be cancer free. It was done. Next, she wished to be young. It was done. Amazed, she asked for the third and final wish. "Bring me a handsome young prince." The genie looked around and the only living thing in sight was her cat, which he immediately transformed into a handsome young prince. She swooned into the prince's arms. When she awoke, the prince said, "Darling, I'll always be at your side, but aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
A UNIQUE IRISH CELEBRATION*
An Irishman named Mike O'Leary went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Mike in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have a cancer known as Galloping Leukemia and it can't be cured. I give you two weeks to a month." Mike, who was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son, who had been waiting.
Mike said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have
cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub
and have a few pints." After three or four pints, the two were feeling a
little less somber. There were some laughs, some tears, and more beers.
They were eventually approached by some of Mike's old friends who asked
what the two were celebrating. Mike told them that the Irish celebrate the
good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his
impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as
I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Leary their condolences and they all had a few more beers. After his friends left, Mike's son leaned over and whispered in confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS."
Mike replied, "I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
Patient: But, doc, I can't pay off my medical bills in six months.
Doctor: In that case, you have six months more.
After a day of telephone tag, the doctor and the patient finally get together on the phone. Says the doctor in a matter of fact voice, "I have good news and bad news. Which will you have first?"
"The good news." "OK. The reports say that your cancer has metastasized all over and that you have 48 hours to live." "You call that good news? It must be the bad news. What could possibly be worse?"
"Well, the bad news is that I tried to call you yesterday."
HOSPITAL OF THE FUTURE*
A large cancer hospital ran into financial difficulties, so the board hired a consultant who was known for cutting corners and who claimed that he could do it without having any negative impact on patient care. The trick, according to the consultant, was to do away with "unnecessary" big expenses like salaries.
How? He would create several complex machines that could take over some of the nursing jobs, like going into the patients' rooms to check on vital signs. A special machine would be hooked up to each patient and it would convey temperature, blood pressure, and so forth -- without any nurses needing to see the person lying in the bed. Periodically a bell would ring in the room to remind the patient to fill out an electronic form that asked how he or she were feeling. Only if there were no answer would a nurse need to go in and check further.
But the consultant's greatest plan was to create a completely automated radiology department. This was quite important because radiation therapy is a large part of cancer treatment. So with great skill he designed the world's first staff-less radiology department. Patients would be wheeled to the door by low-paid orderlies and placed on a conveyor belt, which carried them into a large room where the x-ray machine and various other types of equipment were located. With precise measurements and the use of elaborate computers the exact amount of radiation would be given to each patient precisely where it was needed. In fact, the consultant had thought of everything.
He realized that this would be a new experience for patients and thus designed an added feature to assure them that they were safe. Therefore, the last thing the human attendant had to do was to insert a cassette into a player that was coordinated with each step of the procedure. Then a gentle, reassuring voice would explain how each part of the process was designed to work perfectly. The day the new equipment was installed and the first patient rolled into the room, everything worked as planned, that is, until the conveyor belt stopped for a long time just when a patient was directly under the radiation machine.
This was also just when the voice on the tape said, "Now lie quietly and still. This new improved system is perfectly safe. Nothing can go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . ."
All jokes marked * are courtesy of © learningplaceonline.com and are used with their full permission.