So this time it's a combined clinic. The first thing that needs to happen is I need to be collected. Spot on at 12pm there is a ring at the door. It has to be Surrey Ambulance. Only SA appear on time to take you to London!

I was right, it was Ian. We had to collect another chap in Molesey, so we had quite a chat on our own in the car. Finding out what had been happening in between the last time we saw each other and now. We talked about loads of things, including family history which Ian is very keen on. He's got me more interested in researching our name. I just need a lot more hours in the day! Don't we all.

Anyway, we then picked up this other guy, he's not into computers at all so the conversation was about other things as well to include him. After all, strange as this may sound, not everyone is into computers yet. I did say it was strange didn't I!!!

We dropped this other guy off at Charing Cross and continued on to the Middlesex. I'm usually the first to be collected and the last to be dropped off as I live so far away and go to the furthest hospital. I've gotten used to it and it's quite nice chatting to different people.

I was the first person in the PPC that afternoon. I saw Dr F- he asked me how I'd been doing. I said OK but the pain has still not gone away. He was so lovely to me, asking me different questions. He did ask a couple though that had me thinking he'd been talking to Dr C. Sounded similar you know. He hadn't though, it was just my imagination. He also asked how things were going generally, did I have other interests etc. Of course I do, although it's difficult to go flying now with a walking stick!!! There are lots of things I can't do because of the leg pain and mobility probs. At this stage, because he was so nice, my eyes were watering. I managed to just about hold it together though. He then had to see Jan, and when he returned he said he'd told her he had upset me. It didn't upset me as such, it's just he's so nice and understanding and it just makes me feel "emotional".

He suggested that rather than throwing more drugs down my throat how about thinking of alternative treatments. For example, aromatherapy and acupuncture (no so sure about that one!!?! LOL!!!). There is a Homeopathic Hospital that is associated with the Middlesex that treats cancer patients. I said I'd be willing to give it a go. So he's going to check that out for me. Also he suggested speaking to someone who is impartial and could possibly help with some self-analysing. Does he think I am mad?? I'm not sure. Do you think I'm mad? Have I lost the plot? Am I giving off different vibes?? Let me know!

He has a point though. I've not had anyone to talk to about my cancer and how it's affected me and my thoughts inside my head. What it has done to my ideas for the future etc. Do I feel I have a future? You know those sorts of questions. I think it was because I went to London for my treatment and never had a local support group or Macmillan nurse to help me. Cancer does change things no matter how much people say it doesn't bother them. They are just not saying it out loud that's all. If like me, you are always seen as a positive person, it is SO much harder to try to talk to people about it as they then see you as negative instead. I just can't win sometimes.

So then I went off with my prescription form to get some more drugs (I still have to take the ones I'm on at the moment). I've also asked Dr F about my knee pain in the right leg and he suggested glucosamine or glucosamine/chondroitin. I've checked them out and they are VERY expensive. Some of them cost 1/2 my money for a whole month!!!

After that I went to the Lymphoedema Clinic with Jan. She asked me how things were going and I said not bad. Still got the pains in the left leg, although easing a bit, still can't bear anyone to touch it and told the story of the biopsy nurse who squeezed it after I had my general and was slow to come round. If it wasn't so painful it would've been funny. She then asked about Chris upsetting me. I said he hadn't upset me, he was just too nice. Then I had that old familiar watery eyes, but this time they didn't stop.

About my diary though, it's like the programme on TV the other night about Holly's Dad (I think it was Holly and not Jessica - sorry if I'm wrong, you know me and my memory!). Anyway he could sit there and write exactly what he thought and was totally honest about what he was thinking. You can do that with a diary or journal or even a weblog. Talking is harder. You can't talk to family and friends for fear of hurting them. Some things that are going through your head are just too difficult to speak about in front of them. That's why I think a Macmillan Nurse is essential in your cancer journey and that is where I missed out badly. I did ask Dr C but she said - as you know - it's only if you're undergoing treatment (yes I know that is wrong!). Doesn't help you to get one though does it?!?!?

Jan said I needed some pampering, she's not wrong there. She suggested some wine, but with my drugs I'd be on the floor. The other alternative was chocolate. I've still got a chocolate mountain left from Christmas that sits there and watches me every evening. I've resisted the temptation to eat it so far which is good. So after that I went home totally shattered and then had to go to another hospital to collect my Aunt (my Uncle is still in hospital). So much for pampering huh....I wish!

I had a phone call yesterday from Janice saying that Mr B would be collecting my histology from Stanmore and could I come in to the clinic tomorrow. I checked with John and that was fine, so here we are again - chugging up to London with all the M25 roadworks traffic and also jams on the other roads into London as usual.

Did I tell you that I had my scans returned and in the bag was some screwed up paper. Upon straightening it out, I realised it was a series of scans of my leg with the needle in it! Actual scans of my biopsy!! Amazing huh. Some people can't believe how blase I am about it, but it seems quite normal to me now I suppose.

So we finally arrived and couldn't find a parking space anywhere near - you'd think we could have our own one up there now wouldn't you! ;-)

So John dropped us off and then went to find a space. It's expensive parking there. I wasn't in there long and was called in by Mr B. He asked Mum what she'd done to her hand (it's been aching and she had a support bandage on there). He said "I'll look at that before you go".

He then looked at me and smiled as he said "there is no active lymphoma". He said it was as he expected, but has to be belt and braces. So no active lymphoma, good news. It has raised another question though so I'll add that to my list for next time.

I had a few questions there, and he said he'd go through them which he did. However I can't remember all the answers now which is annoying as I wanted to check them against the reports I had. Me and my lack of memory, it is SO annoying. He is going to send me a copy of the biopsy report, and also a couple of other things I asked for.

I've got to see him again in two months. He then asked Mum to take her bandage off and said without touching it "you've got arthritis in there, at the base of the thumb", he could tell just like that. He said most people think arthiritis occurs in the joints in the thumb but it doesn't - it is in the "saddle" of the thumb at the base of it. He didn't charge her for that either - I said it should've cost £150 for a first consultation and smiled!

He also mentioned about my website and said that there is a need for the information out there and I'm providing it. I get lots of emails daily about different aspects of cancer, and treatments and even illness in general. It's good that I can help others with my own experience of it. I enjoy it and it helps me at the same time.

I really hope that it helps you all as well. You are not alone out there with this dreaded disease, it just feels like it. Even now I sometimes feel like the only one, the "all alone in a crowded room" feeling comes back quite often.

Well I'm off to the land of nod now. I'm reading a good highly recommended book (thanks Nancy!). If you like murder books or medical thrillers give Michael Palmer a go! He's very clever with his tales with a twist! If you know me and want to borrow it after me, let me know! There are two people in the queue at the moment ahead of you though.

I had a phone call last night from Bernard, so Surrey Ambulance it is today. At least I know it will be on time and here. At 11.30am the doorbell rang and we were off on our way. We had to collect some other patients too so it would be a long afternoon.

Today I would also be reading my notes so it's good that I'm going to be early. There is a LOT to read! I have to have a trained nurse sitting with me. I'm not sure what they think I might do, I've already had the diagnosis of cancer so what else can there be? Unless they think I'm going to steal them. The nurse was a little late arriving.

Anyway I start reading my notes, there is LOADS to read as I said. The nurse with me had her medical dictionary with her too and she had never done this before, so I'm not sure why there was so much hassle trying to get it all sorted if she hadn't done it before. Anyone could've been sitting there really. It didn't have to be an expert.

I overran on reading the notes. It made very interesting reading in place. According to the notes I have two tumours in my right leg, one in my left and something on my lower left anterior rib. No one has ever mentioned that to me. I think everyone should read their notes. You certainly see the other side to things. Letters have been sent to my GP for example, but he/they have never contacted me. You'd think if a patient has cancer they would at least see them during their treatment wouldn't you. Well mine hasn't. I've seen him once when I had a virus during radiotherapy and once when I turned bright yellow and it turned out to be the gallbladder problems.

There was nothing in there about how big the tumour is now and that is something I would like to know. I know that it isn't active, I understand that, but I would like to know how much it has shrunk by and things like will it continue shrinking or stay the same (although dormant).

I then went to the Pain Clinic and saw Dr Maggie. There was also another Doc in there Jon Martin (I think his name was - it's a bit hazy now!). I'm not sure why he was there too and didn't ask at the time. She asked how I was feeling and how the pain was. I said although it had lessened it was still painful. I mentioned that Dr F said about homeopathic treatments and she is going to follow it up.

She asked me how my homework had gone - it hadn't so I don't see much point in continuing with that really. There is nothing that will change there so what's the point.

I had to get some more drugs....let me at 'em! However it was so late by this time, the pharmacy had closed for the night. So it would have to be a letter to my GP and ask for him to prescribe them instead. A pain not to get them whilst I was there.

We had a nice friendly chat on the way home with a young guy who is only 25 and has never worked due to illness. He has kidney dialysis three times a week and has already had one transplant and is awaiting another. He's well into his "big boys toys" as I call them, mobile phones and games consoles to the rest of you!

So it was quite late by the time we got home and I was, as usual, shattered. I'm still SO tired all the time.

Up early ready for my 9am meeting for CancerVOICES. I missed the last one due to having my biopsy. It was quite involved and I'm so tired. We've got our mini-meeting first for the Isolation and Communication teams, I can only attend one this way though as they are again at the same time. A real shame as there are a few of us who involved with both teams.

Lots of things to get through on the agenda. I find it quite tough though, and it sure does make my legs ache. I love the "comfort break" when I can get up and move around a bit more.

I'm hoping to go to one of the meetings on Palliative Care and a local Hospice. It seems pretty good and the poster asks "if you have cancer or have nursed someone with end of life experiences" well I've had both of those! So I should be able to get quite a lot out of it and also hopefully input as well.

I've also been doing some articles for the next issue of CancerVOICES, it's strange using all those "work words" again. Mind you, I was absolutely whacked and worn out for quite a while. Good experience though as I've not done anything like that before and I enjoyed it so much. I hope to be able to do some more in the future, as long as they think what I did was OK. Seems to be well received so far.

I'm off for a nice rest now and a cup of coffee, tiredness is one of the hard things to cope with, I get tired so easily. I have read somewhere that tiredness can be with you for 10 years or more after treatment. Phew...that's a long time to be tired!

Oh yes, before I go, if anyone has any ideas on fundraising, please let me know. Anything at all and I'll add it to the list. Contact me if you can rack your brain for ideas.....thanks!